ASK THE MAM — How can I become a Super Lawyer, or something else? Rank me. Name me. Make me a star.

DEAR MAM: I read your comments in a recent article in Conde Nast Portfolio, and was wondering how easy it is to become a Super Lawyer? And how can I get rated somewhere? SINCERELY YOURS, LC, New York, NY

DEAR LC: To be honest, if you have a heartbeat and a JD, and can not get ranked by somebody somewhere, you’ve got serious problems. As a matter of fact, you can send me a thousand bucks and I will name you the “Marketing Attorney Lawyer of the Week” (complete with an e-mailed PDF of a “plaque” and a gold star sticker from my three year old daughter’s sticker book. I know it sounds sarcastic, but call me if you’ve got the grand handy.

This was a significant topic of discussion at the just-completed ABA Law Firm Marketing Strategies Conference in Washington, DC. If you missed it, you missed it. Too bad. Not only does each day bring another one of these “opportunities”, but now we are have a dearth of social networking sites dedicated to lawyers as well (but that is a blog post for another day).

In Karen Donovan’s piece in Conde Naste, entitled “The So-So Adventures of Super Lawyers,” the topic is addressed yet again. While quoting me is always brilliant, my favorite quotes were from the people (one was an attorney at Paul Weiss) that said how relevant it was…they were interviewed at the Waldorf-Astoria Super Lawyer Cocktail Party (where do you think the money for that came from?). If clients at Paul Weiss are using Super Lawyers as a guide, things have really changed at that firm. And I would hesitate to suggest that the party would be the place to get an objective pulse on the subject.

Anyway…I received six solicitations for “accolades” in the last four days. Between Martindale, Chambers, Best this, Great that, Who’s Who and Who’s Not Who…not to mention dozens of local-yokel “honors (in my backyard, there is SJ Magazine and South Jersey Magazine…both with “honors” and with accompanying lawyer ads)…there is no shortage of places to get myself named “Best Lawyer named Micah in South Jersey*”. *–Not admitted to practice in NJ; admitted in Pennsylvania.

LC…If you are still struggling to get named, how is this for chutzpah (a legal term, I believe)? There are people selling webinars and seminars on “how to get rated and/or named to lists”. The people that attend are ideal for these awards, as you already have a propensity to be a sucker. I’ve got an “expanded profile” in Florida with your name on it. For $300, you can sign up for a webinar that features people that you can pay to help get you ranked, people that are paid to fill out the ranking forms, and people that will sell you the ranking. Sending me the thousand bucks directly would accomplish your dreams quicker and easier. Those teleconferences and webinars just confirm the argument that these are not scientific or independent in nature…you just need to know what to say and how to say it.

Best of luck LC! Thanks for writing. And, in all honestly, thanks for the timely question.

Sincerely yours, THE MARKETING ATTORNEY